I used to do internet tech support for Comcast. Some stupid people think their computer problems are internet problems cause their computer is the internet!

Anyway one customer was unable to turn her computer on. She said she was pressing the on button. Even after she verified that the computer was plugged in. Then somewhere while talking, she said she was stepping on the button...........she put the mouse on the floor and was trying to operate it like an old time sewing machine cause technology has only come thus far.

Getting back

 I've got an idea.

1) Knock this fucker out by surprise without him or anyone else knowing it was you. Sneak up on him with a blunt object or something. Once you've got his ass out cold, the rest is relatively simple.
2) Drag him to a location where you will not be interrupted for about 5 minutes
3) insert a length of PVC pipe into his rectum. You will need some sort of lubricant.
4) insert a length of barbed wire through the PVC, or if barbed wire is unavailable then use whatever amount of broken glass chunks you feel is appropriate.
5) Quickly remove the PVC pipe so that the barbed wire or glass remains in his rectum
6) Snip off the end of the barbed wire if that's what you used
7) GTFO

Christianity VS Revolution

I have been told that you may believe in Christianity (Sim City) and Revolution (proven facts).
Anyway. It puzzles me how this can be possible. (I won't go into it too much assuming you know how it begins)

Lets begin with Christianity. Adam was created by God. Eve was created by Adams ribcage.
Revolution begins with lets say.. Fish and eventually turns into a frog>Lizzard>Monkey etc..etc...

How can you believe in two different beginnings?

Kill / Death Ratios

lets use Call of Duty for an example .
You see someone on the top of the charts every match you battle in  (even if its you)
Lets be honest here... Do you really look at the name in the 1st place position? No you don't... You just picture your gamertag  up there, And what you want is the glory to be on top of the charts even if it takes hours upon hours of work...
Alright.... Alright.... You made it. Congratulations you are in first place! If someone does happen to glance upon your gamertag name. They might just say, "Hey, he's pretty good." But whats really on HIS mind is getting what you achieved completely forgetting your name and what you did.

I myself have played these games. I have won, I have lost. But come to the realization that it does not matter who is ontop.

Terminator

I have a ritual called "terminator". I crouch in the shower in the "naked terminator" pose. With eyes closed I crouch for a minute and visualize either Arnie or the guy from the 2nd movie. I then start to hum the T2 theme. Slowly I rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me get through my day. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It sorta ruins the fantasy.

God

God is just some guy who bought Sim City and was bored. Some guy sitting at a giant computer is controlling you right now. When you have several decisions going through your head and you don't know which one to pick, God does. "Flirt? Tickle? Entertain?" He decides. You have no say in The Sims. You're just some computer graphic.

That is God.